For anyone who's ever been set up, stood up or felt up.

I'm getting right ready to cut a bitch.

I don't date an overwhelming amount because I am a very picky lady with particular taste.

I'm fine with this because I'd rather be on my own than waste my time with a man who I'd like to slap in the mouth with a dead raccoon every time he talks.

It starts to crawl up my ass when some of those who are in relationships (usually new relationships) want to know about my "love life."

This tends to start off with a question like, "So... anyone special in your life?"

I know this is meant with sincerity and genuine interest, but chances are that if there is someone in my life worth mentioning, I would have mentioned it.

When I respond with a polite but short answer of, "Nope. Not interested in anyone," rarely is the topic dropped.

My favorite follow-up question is, "Why not?"

What the hell do you mean, "Why not?"

Few things make me feel more like Bridget Jones than this question.

This caught my attention recently because a guy I dated last year (and with whom I have remained friends) asked about "the men in your life."

Want to know why he asked? Because he is in a new relationship! SHOCKING!

When I told him I wasn't interested in anyone, I thought we were done. However, he felt moved to press the subject, which annoyed the shit out of me.

I had a similar conversation with another male friend (in a new relationship) a few weeks ago.

Since when do men want to talk about relationships?

Can't we just go back to sports, beer and boobs?

Didn't you see Ratatouille?

I recently went on a semi-blind date.

A former co-worker of mine decided she found a man (who will be referred to as Dirk) I would just love.

I'm normally kind of skeptical of these sort of statements, but in an attempt to be open-minded and proactive, I acquiesced.

I was told we had endless things in common, like our mutual love of travel, theater and the arts in general.

What I was not told was that he is at least eight years older than me, has children and at the time, had only been divorced about 4 months.

Kids are not necessarily a deal-breaker, and neither is the age difference. The super recent divorce, however, on top of the rest was a little more than I was prepared to handle.

I digress.

The lunch itself was fine, though not sparkling with chemistry. In fact, I was thinking that I wouldn't even get a good story out of it.

Clearly, I thought too soon.

Near the end, he told me how he used to work in an animal testing lab as a gopher. I was moderately horrified by this and I'm pretty sure my reaction was all over my face.

*As a side note, I am a bleeding heart animal lover. Whenever I watch Dances With Wolves, I get a lot more upset about the soldiers trying to shoot the wolf than I do about all the people who get killed.

Undeterred by my response, he went on to relay that there was a switch in the lab that he never used and therefore never understood its use.

So, one day he asked one of the scientists. The scientist laughed and said, "You don't work on Tuesdays, do you?" Dirk told the scientist he didn't.

Mad Scientist Guy told Dirk to come in on Tuesday and he would see how the switch came into play.

Next Tuesday, Dirk came into the lab and Mad Scientist Guy flipped the mystical switch.

According to Dirk, a mini-guillotine came out of the ceiling and was lowered on to one of the tables.

I swear, I am not making this up.

This particular lab tests the effects of drugs and alcohol on rats. Many of their tests involve the brain. How do you get access to the tiny rat brain after it's been all scrambled up on meth?

That's right. Just pop that sucker off.

My mouth was hanging open and I just stared at him, waiting for him to say something redeeming like, "And once I learned that, I quit my job and started working at the ASPCA to fight this injustice!"

No such luck.

Instead, he laughed at the absolute disgust plastered on my face and went on like it never happened.

In his defense, he was not aware of my animal affection...

...but why in the Hell would you tell that story on a date?



Note to all single, heterosexual men: For most women, rat beheadings are, in fact, deal-breakers.