Didn't you see Ratatouille?

I recently went on a semi-blind date.

A former co-worker of mine decided she found a man (who will be referred to as Dirk) I would just love.

I'm normally kind of skeptical of these sort of statements, but in an attempt to be open-minded and proactive, I acquiesced.

I was told we had endless things in common, like our mutual love of travel, theater and the arts in general.

What I was not told was that he is at least eight years older than me, has children and at the time, had only been divorced about 4 months.

Kids are not necessarily a deal-breaker, and neither is the age difference. The super recent divorce, however, on top of the rest was a little more than I was prepared to handle.

I digress.

The lunch itself was fine, though not sparkling with chemistry. In fact, I was thinking that I wouldn't even get a good story out of it.

Clearly, I thought too soon.

Near the end, he told me how he used to work in an animal testing lab as a gopher. I was moderately horrified by this and I'm pretty sure my reaction was all over my face.

*As a side note, I am a bleeding heart animal lover. Whenever I watch Dances With Wolves, I get a lot more upset about the soldiers trying to shoot the wolf than I do about all the people who get killed.

Undeterred by my response, he went on to relay that there was a switch in the lab that he never used and therefore never understood its use.

So, one day he asked one of the scientists. The scientist laughed and said, "You don't work on Tuesdays, do you?" Dirk told the scientist he didn't.

Mad Scientist Guy told Dirk to come in on Tuesday and he would see how the switch came into play.

Next Tuesday, Dirk came into the lab and Mad Scientist Guy flipped the mystical switch.

According to Dirk, a mini-guillotine came out of the ceiling and was lowered on to one of the tables.

I swear, I am not making this up.

This particular lab tests the effects of drugs and alcohol on rats. Many of their tests involve the brain. How do you get access to the tiny rat brain after it's been all scrambled up on meth?

That's right. Just pop that sucker off.

My mouth was hanging open and I just stared at him, waiting for him to say something redeeming like, "And once I learned that, I quit my job and started working at the ASPCA to fight this injustice!"

No such luck.

Instead, he laughed at the absolute disgust plastered on my face and went on like it never happened.

In his defense, he was not aware of my animal affection...

...but why in the Hell would you tell that story on a date?



Note to all single, heterosexual men: For most women, rat beheadings are, in fact, deal-breakers.