Just one more reason to never leave the house

Can I be unpleasant for a hot second?

I hope so, because I'm gonna.

I have recently discovered a pattern in my life. It is a pattern, I might add, that is making me want to punt small farm animals.*

A couple of particular types of men are attracted to me... apparently.

I have experienced this several times within the last few months and even more over the course of my adult life. And I'm becoming less and less tolerant of it.

For the most part, I am a fairly confident, self-assured woman. While I will occasionally look for validation outside of myself (usually just to make sure I'm not going nuts), I have a solid sense of self.

Unfortunately, I think it's this quality that gets me into trouble.

This brings us to the first type:

1) Those who want to "figure me out."

I would hardly refer to myself as mysterious (there's no way I'm cool enough to own that word), but I'm not the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve and confesses all within the first five minutes of conversation. Therefore, I tend to keep more personal things close until I feel someone is trustworthy and I have no trouble telling someone if I feel it's none of their business.

I also tend to be a little quirky in what I say and do, and I have no shame when it comes to these idiosyncrasies. If I decide I want a taco for dessert, I'm going to get me a taco!

Apparently, when you put these two together, I'm very intriguing to a certain kind of man.

That brings us to the second type:

2) Those who are broken and want me to fix them

I can think of four men off the top of my head who recently tried to date me while they were a) having marital problems, b) going through a break-up and c) recently divorced and still bitter.

Not only do I not date men who are married or involved with someone else, but I do NOT like projects. Just like I don't want to be fixed, I sure as hell don't want to fix anyone else.

This seems like such a petty thing to bemoan (SAT vocab word!) but I feel like I've been caught in a total onslaught amidst an otherwise very dry spell.

Is it so much to ask for a man who is single, more or less has his shit together and will just go with my oddities without trying to create a spreadsheet around them?


What kind of people do you attract?


*No small farm animals were harmed during the writing of this blog post.

Has anyone seen my pants?

Have you ever had the naked dream?

Of course you have. Everyone has.

What is your naked dream like?

Mine, more often than not, involves me walking around in a public place or hanging out with friends and suddenly realized that I'm wearing shoes and pants, but nothing up top.

Or, I'm just hanging out in a towel that gets increasingly smaller.

The thing is, it's never that scandalous that I'm partially, if not completely, naked. It's more like an inconvenience.

I've had friends look at me, roll their eyes and say, "Dude, where's your shirt?" And me, being so silly and forgetful, realizes that I left it at home! Again!

On the upside, I'm always hotter in my dreams. Maybe a little thinner with slightly perkier boobs and a nicer ass.

So, while I'm mildly embarrassed that I'm not fully dressed, I'm far from horrified or traumatized. Just a little annoyed with myself.

When I wake up, I always think of an exchange in Sleepless in Seattle.

Annie: You know that dream where you're walking around naked?
Becky: I love that dream.

According to online dream interpretation, I'm concealing something or am afraid of being "found out."

I think I'm hyper-aware that swimsuit season is around the corner and I just finished a peanut butter fudge milkshake in under 15 minutes.

For anyone who's ever been set up, stood up or felt up.

I'm getting right ready to cut a bitch.

I don't date an overwhelming amount because I am a very picky lady with particular taste.

I'm fine with this because I'd rather be on my own than waste my time with a man who I'd like to slap in the mouth with a dead raccoon every time he talks.

It starts to crawl up my ass when some of those who are in relationships (usually new relationships) want to know about my "love life."

This tends to start off with a question like, "So... anyone special in your life?"

I know this is meant with sincerity and genuine interest, but chances are that if there is someone in my life worth mentioning, I would have mentioned it.

When I respond with a polite but short answer of, "Nope. Not interested in anyone," rarely is the topic dropped.

My favorite follow-up question is, "Why not?"

What the hell do you mean, "Why not?"

Few things make me feel more like Bridget Jones than this question.

This caught my attention recently because a guy I dated last year (and with whom I have remained friends) asked about "the men in your life."

Want to know why he asked? Because he is in a new relationship! SHOCKING!

When I told him I wasn't interested in anyone, I thought we were done. However, he felt moved to press the subject, which annoyed the shit out of me.

I had a similar conversation with another male friend (in a new relationship) a few weeks ago.

Since when do men want to talk about relationships?

Can't we just go back to sports, beer and boobs?