What is up with men and tongue?
(I'm making this gender specific because I feel like it IS gender specific.)
Look familiar?Rarely do you hear about women complaining because her partner isn't trying hard enough to lick her tonsils.
Nope. It's generally the other way around.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love making out like a high schooler and I'm a champion kisser. Seriously, I'm good. Just saying.
However, I have never been kissing someone and thinking to myself, "Hmm. This is great but I wish he would just put his entire tongue in my mouth. That would make it perfect!" Not once.
And what's the deal with, what I like to call, Fancy Tongue?
This is when a guy has moves. Tongue moves.
Perhaps he is licking your teeth, darting in and out or shifting from side to side like an Olympic snowboarder.
Mind you, I don't want to speak for all women. It's possible that some find this to be creative and much more interesting than the norm.
Me? I'm a sucker for tradition.
The moves, however, are so odd to me. It makes me want to pull back, slap him across the face and say, "Start over. And do it good this time."
Grammar be damned.
But therein lies the pickle.
You can't say anything. Or at least I can't.
More than anything, I want to stop someone from doing calisthenics in my mouth and say, "If you took the tongue from a 9 to a 3, you would be awesome." Most people don't respond well to that, though. I know I wouldn't.
And there's all this bullshit in Cosmo and Glamour about correcting a bad kisser. One piece of advice is to kiss the way you want to be kissed.
Okay, well if men got that concept, we wouldn't be having this problem in the first place.
Another piece of advice is to say, "That's great, but let me show you how I like to be kissed," in a super sexy, come hither voice.
Umm... I can't do that. I'm not sexy. And if I tried, I'd start laughing, the guy would be offended and the date would be over anyway. Try harder, Cosmo.
Is this just me? And is this something that men seem more enamored with in their 20s? Or is it a lifelong commitment to tasting my larynx?
The next time this happens, someone might get punched in the throat.
18 comments:
You are HILARIOUS and so right.
I don't get it either and I do think it is a gender thing.
I once had a boyfriend who would leave his tongue in my mouth for what felt like HOURS. I DID NOT like it. And of course when I told him this he said "no one else has ever complained." That's because no one else had the balls to do it.
Naturally the relationship couldn't handle a good dose of honesty and I stopped kissing him after that. I think the only thing to do is keep mentioning the too much tongue thing to as many male friends as you can and hope they will pass it on.
I wish I had answers for you. I definitely subscribe to the "less is more" theory when it comes to tongues and kissing.
Because really, otherwise it just gets messy. And distracting. And you start reminding me of some kind of wildlife.
I think the solution is just to find a guy who was trained right from the beginning.
I've been married so long that I've blocked out all the bad kissers. I do remember a few of the good ones. *hubba hubba*
I always wondered if *those men* sought the idea of becomming a dentist? Idk,..
That crap is nasty, I am sorry but I don't need another cleaning and that is what it feels like. Thank God the Hub Doesn't want to massage my G spot through my mouth ;)
Ha - so funny! I love your comments on Cosmo. Really, I read those articles and think, 99% of this is not executable in real life.
You have written a fantastic post that all men must be forced to read.
I speak from experience. If you are with a guy for several years and he is beyond his twenties you will be lucky if he kisses you at all. I have yet to kiss a man who didn't think he needed to pull my tonsils out of my mouth with his tongue. However, once I have married them, because bad kissing tongue can mean good tongue elsewhere, they forget all about the rest of the female anatomy.
too funny! my very first frenchy was with a guy who whipped his tongue out of it's holder so quickly and thrust it down my throat to the point I almost choked, I thought I was going to have my innards sucked out of me. Needless to say, that was his last date with me and it took me a couple of months to dare try it again with anyone else! Came here through SPFF!
Ha ha ha you are SOOOOOOOO right on this one. I said that a boyfriend in highschool kissed like a wet dog in a tree...dont ask ah ha
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I love the kind of kissing where you have to find sneaky ways to wipe off your face between kisses so that you don't slide right off his face! YUM!
UGH men should have to take a full 4 year course and obtain a license before being set loose on the dating world.
Girl, I saw your McFlurry comment.
I have one word for you:
FANSMASHINGTASTIC!
It's like the writers at Cosmo think if you do anything in a sexy way, men will be ok with it. Because you're being sexy.
Replace "sexy" with "sarcastic" and you've got my basic approach to everything. Why can't guys just be ok with THAT?
GC! I am so happy to be carousing your blog today because, well, we are TOTES besties now, yo.
Why in the name of gag reflex has no one ever posted such truths before? I don't know if this will give you hope or more likely cause you grief, but I am going on 8 YEARS of marriage, and just rectified this sitch with my Hubs. He always thrashed wild tongue. GAH. I think it's a male domination thing personally, or you could be right about the 20s, as he will be turning dirty thirty this year and has tamed his tongue to my liking.
AMEN AND HALLELUIAH.
I tried everything in your suggestion list. What finally worked for me was to tell him I like slow tongue, which to him translated to less thrashing. And for the next 8 years I will keep reiterating that fact and praising him like a 3 year old when he does it right.
Marriage is a lot of work.
what a funny post and appropriate for the hallmark holiday tomorrow, stopping by from sits! anne
Oh my goodness!! LOL!! I once dated a guy in high school that broke up with me because I didn't put enough tongue in his mouth. It was crazy!!!
Great post....I'm glad I ran into your blog:)
"church tongue"... I highly recommend it, but I wonder how you teach it?
Too funny and too true. Fortunately I only had one run-in with an overactive tongue and that was when I was 15.
Thank you. This needs to be said. But dang it, we're all girls reading this! Men, where are you...pay attention!
yeh, you esphesh cant say anything once you marry that tongue.
i fucking love your blog.
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