A Farewell to Sandwiches

Here's the thing:

Although you would never know it, I actually love this blog.

I love being anonymous and I love getting to share stories I would never have the balls to share otherwise.

HOWEVER, I'm being a really obnoxious blogger.

I'm inconsistent and don't get to comment on any of your blogs as much as I would like.

Sadly, I fear this means I need to throw in the blogging towel.

I don't like leading people on, so as much as it pains me... I think I need to step back from this blog.

Thank you for reading with me in the brief time I was here! I'm sorry I wasn't able to be the best blogger possible and I hope you'll forgive the abrupt blogging exit.

Have wonderful blogging lives!

xoxoxo

Grilled Cheese



P.S. Blog.

Just one more reason to never leave the house

Can I be unpleasant for a hot second?

I hope so, because I'm gonna.

I have recently discovered a pattern in my life. It is a pattern, I might add, that is making me want to punt small farm animals.*

A couple of particular types of men are attracted to me... apparently.

I have experienced this several times within the last few months and even more over the course of my adult life. And I'm becoming less and less tolerant of it.

For the most part, I am a fairly confident, self-assured woman. While I will occasionally look for validation outside of myself (usually just to make sure I'm not going nuts), I have a solid sense of self.

Unfortunately, I think it's this quality that gets me into trouble.

This brings us to the first type:

1) Those who want to "figure me out."

I would hardly refer to myself as mysterious (there's no way I'm cool enough to own that word), but I'm not the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve and confesses all within the first five minutes of conversation. Therefore, I tend to keep more personal things close until I feel someone is trustworthy and I have no trouble telling someone if I feel it's none of their business.

I also tend to be a little quirky in what I say and do, and I have no shame when it comes to these idiosyncrasies. If I decide I want a taco for dessert, I'm going to get me a taco!

Apparently, when you put these two together, I'm very intriguing to a certain kind of man.

That brings us to the second type:

2) Those who are broken and want me to fix them

I can think of four men off the top of my head who recently tried to date me while they were a) having marital problems, b) going through a break-up and c) recently divorced and still bitter.

Not only do I not date men who are married or involved with someone else, but I do NOT like projects. Just like I don't want to be fixed, I sure as hell don't want to fix anyone else.

This seems like such a petty thing to bemoan (SAT vocab word!) but I feel like I've been caught in a total onslaught amidst an otherwise very dry spell.

Is it so much to ask for a man who is single, more or less has his shit together and will just go with my oddities without trying to create a spreadsheet around them?


What kind of people do you attract?


*No small farm animals were harmed during the writing of this blog post.

Has anyone seen my pants?

Have you ever had the naked dream?

Of course you have. Everyone has.

What is your naked dream like?

Mine, more often than not, involves me walking around in a public place or hanging out with friends and suddenly realized that I'm wearing shoes and pants, but nothing up top.

Or, I'm just hanging out in a towel that gets increasingly smaller.

The thing is, it's never that scandalous that I'm partially, if not completely, naked. It's more like an inconvenience.

I've had friends look at me, roll their eyes and say, "Dude, where's your shirt?" And me, being so silly and forgetful, realizes that I left it at home! Again!

On the upside, I'm always hotter in my dreams. Maybe a little thinner with slightly perkier boobs and a nicer ass.

So, while I'm mildly embarrassed that I'm not fully dressed, I'm far from horrified or traumatized. Just a little annoyed with myself.

When I wake up, I always think of an exchange in Sleepless in Seattle.

Annie: You know that dream where you're walking around naked?
Becky: I love that dream.

According to online dream interpretation, I'm concealing something or am afraid of being "found out."

I think I'm hyper-aware that swimsuit season is around the corner and I just finished a peanut butter fudge milkshake in under 15 minutes.

For anyone who's ever been set up, stood up or felt up.

I'm getting right ready to cut a bitch.

I don't date an overwhelming amount because I am a very picky lady with particular taste.

I'm fine with this because I'd rather be on my own than waste my time with a man who I'd like to slap in the mouth with a dead raccoon every time he talks.

It starts to crawl up my ass when some of those who are in relationships (usually new relationships) want to know about my "love life."

This tends to start off with a question like, "So... anyone special in your life?"

I know this is meant with sincerity and genuine interest, but chances are that if there is someone in my life worth mentioning, I would have mentioned it.

When I respond with a polite but short answer of, "Nope. Not interested in anyone," rarely is the topic dropped.

My favorite follow-up question is, "Why not?"

What the hell do you mean, "Why not?"

Few things make me feel more like Bridget Jones than this question.

This caught my attention recently because a guy I dated last year (and with whom I have remained friends) asked about "the men in your life."

Want to know why he asked? Because he is in a new relationship! SHOCKING!

When I told him I wasn't interested in anyone, I thought we were done. However, he felt moved to press the subject, which annoyed the shit out of me.

I had a similar conversation with another male friend (in a new relationship) a few weeks ago.

Since when do men want to talk about relationships?

Can't we just go back to sports, beer and boobs?

Pretty good for a quadriped

I got tagged for a photo thingy by Sassy Pants Freckle Face.

I was instructed to select my first photo album and choose the 10th picture, I do believe. Well, here's what I got:


I took this picture in the parking lot of my grocery store after I finished my shopping. I recall being amused by it because I thought it looked like the dog was driving.

It really doesn't take that much to entertain me.

Clearly.

Wow... this is awkward...

Okay, so I was gone for a long time and I could pretend I had a really good reason and tell you it'll never happen again but I didn't and it will.

Umm... still friends?

Wanna pretend like it never happened?

Me too.

So, I hate chain letters.

I hate them like fat-free cheese and Splenda.

A friend of mine (or so I thought) tried to give me one last week. Like, a real piece of paper in an envelope.

When she handed it to me, she was smiling but quickly said, "I'm sorry!"

I looked at it, looked at her and then said rather accusingly, "This is a chain letter."

"No, it's not! You just have to send this letter to six other people and mail a lottery ticket to the address provided!" (I can't make this shit up.)

I can't think of any six people I hate nearly enough to whom I would do that.

I said, "Whose address is this?"

"My grandma's."

"Look dude, I don't want to do this. I hate this shit."

"But then my grandma won't get her lottery ticket!"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Then, I had an epiphany. "Okay, what if I just send your grandma the lottery ticket and give you back the letter? That way, she gets her ticket and I'm not annoyed. Everybody wins!"

She didn't like that.

In the end, my friend was not happy with me because I refused to be annoyed or alienate six people who could potentially give me a kidney someday.

I mean, why burn bridges, right?

This all boils down to the power of saying NO!

I am friends with many people who do not know how to do this. Culturally speaking, the region where I live hosts a polite, acquiescing people. They are hard-wired agree to anything, whereas I was taught that it's okay to refuse.

And now... I feel stronger, more powerful!

I feel like a two-year old in a grocery store who has just discovered she can refuse when her mom tells her to put the candy down.

NO!

I'm totally drunk with power.

Does anyone else have trouble saying no? Or perhaps relishes it a little too much?

I've got the black lung, Pop!

I have acquired the plague.

Or a head cold.

But definitely one of the two.

Have you ever noticed that people get over their sicknesses differently?

You have those that just want to burrow under 7 blankets, watch TV and go in and out of consciousness.

You also have those that, while they may stay home, they are not sitting down. They are paying bills online, balancing checkbooks, folding laundry and cleaning the gutters.

Last of all, you have the social healers. These are people that feed off the energy of others. They choose to power on through the funk.

I am a burrower. I think most Moms fall in the second category. The social healers are the ones that kill me.

The last thing I want to do when I'm sick is be forced to be social, presentable or, worst of all, pleasant.

When I'm sick, I want to whine, bitch, moan and wallow. It's one of the few times it's allowed and I personally savor it.

The worst thing in the world is when all you want to do is sleep and die but you have a friend who says, "Oh, I'm sick, too. Wanna go to a party tonight?"

This person may very well be just as sick as you, but does not understand why you're being such a baby about it.

I think it's very important that someday I locate me a strapping, burly gentleman who lets me make forts out of blankets and pillows on the couch, while eating box after box of Mac 'n Cheese.

Just a thought I had.